I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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