You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm getting married
To pizza
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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