I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
