throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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