I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
