dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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