Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
