I can tuck mytits in my pants
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think my mom watched the whole time
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
