I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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