Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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