If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
