all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
