surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
