in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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