drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
