Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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