I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When did angry sex become our thing?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
