I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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