She is in my trunk
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just invented taco cereal.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
