My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
