I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
