Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
