I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
