Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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