Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
