You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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