I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
