He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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