I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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