the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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