is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
