Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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