Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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