I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
