I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
