Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
