I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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