I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
