piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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