oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
