Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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