Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
