So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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