4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
