Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
