I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
