I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
