who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
