He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
