where am i from again
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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