I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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