I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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