STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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