I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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