They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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