fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
