nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
