Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
