she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
